Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Is There All There Is To Love



Nothing’s wrong he said. He loosened his tie and just sat there on the couch looking all sad.  His eyes looked sad, his chest heaved as he took a deep breath and his hands couldn't still themselves. They were looking for something to hold on to or may be someone.  I wondered what was wrong with him. Why was he so forlorn or distracted? I put up my best smile and went up to him and sat next to him. I held his twitching hands and stopped them from fiddling around. I wanted his fickle heart to rest, rest on my shoulders and just forget the world.


He looked up at me and kissed me. He kissed me hard. The familiar rush of his lips, his tongue and his hands on my body brought back memories. Memories of when we had just started going out together.  The inferno of passion as if finally finding its way back, he lifted me into his arms and I was practically sitting in his lap.  


I didn’t care about whatever it was that was bothering him, for I loved the man trying to fumble with my blouse buttons. His hurried advances assured me that all will be right and past months which we had spent not talking to each other let alone make love will be a part of the past, all forgotten.
Here he was trying his best to kiss me and make me forget what I was thinking and believe me for a while I did. Oh how I did!


My man had come back to me, he had finally come back home.  We made love twice. Once hurriedly and once with all the leisure that you can take making love.  He was trying too hard I feel, to make up for lost time may be.  The kisses were so deep, touching my soul that I wanted to cry out loud. Cry and complain and ask him, that where was he all this time.  We were practically strangers sharing the same bed every night. Talking in grunts and ignoring each other as if everything around was more important than each other.


But mulling over the past was something I didn’t want to do.  I just wanted to cherish this moment.  This moment when I lay on his chest with smile on my lips, tears threatening to glide down my cheek any time and a heart so light.


He breathing heavily again, ready to go again I wondered.  His moves in the bedroom were not alien to me.  After you have had a man so often for years and years you know how he moves between the sheets after all, but going again was something really did come as a surprise.


He moved me aside, got up and headed towards where his clothes lay strewn and with sad eyes told me he wanted to talk to me.  That never sounds good. After he was dressed and I still covering my modestly under the sheets, we sat down face to face to have the conversation which I will remember my entire life.



I am leaving you, he said.  He had met someone and had fallen for her.  She was the love of his life he said. Then whose love was I, I wanted to ask him.  Did I let the love my life pass by because I was too busy looking after you and being in love with you, I wanted to scream out.  But he kept on talking when words had no meaning.  I kept on listening to the man who had taken away my youth and left me with crow’s feet. I couldn’t take it anymore; I just wanted him to stop talking, anyway. I just couldn’t hear about that other woman when here I was undressed, glowing from the lovemaking and heartbroken at the same time. The table next to me had a glass of water and a pair of scissors I had used to mend one of his shirt buttons. I picked up the glass and had some water, he still continued and then I picked up the scissors. 

Infinite




I will live,
Till I die,
For in this moment,
I am infinite,
I will travel,
The world I will see,
And every minute of it,
I will just be,
I will fight the shadows,
And find the light,
For in this moment
I am infinite,
I will love,
I will lose,
I will be my master,
I will choose,
I will see,
I will be blind,
But won’t let the world,
Hold me or bind
I will see the wrong,
I will see the right,
For in this moment,
I am infinite,
I won’t play games,
I won’t be a wallflower,
For the smell lacks in there,
And it has no power,
After the dark tunnel,
I will be the light,
For in this moment I am infinite,
Do you see those birds?
I will fly with them,
I am waiting for wings,
Waiting for them to stem,
The world can have its way,
I really don’t care,
For I will be in the skies,
Taking in the air,
There she flies,
They will point and say,
I will be with the sun,
Glaring at its every ray,
I am smiling,
As I write,
For in this moment,
I feel infinite,
It’s all so deep,
It’s all so swallow,
Mulling over it,
I don’t want to wallow,
I will live in public,
I will die out of sight,
For all my life,

I will be infinite.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Jumbled Sentiments



Lonely path,
I walk along,
It never leaves me
But am still forlorn
Droopy smiles,
Dried tears
Lost soul
Lost years
Unwanted thoughts
Thoughtless feelings
All dead ends
No new beginnings
Nails brittle
Teeth chatter
Cold around
Warmth doesn’t matter
Not sad
Just a normal day
Silence around
But so much to say
Mind matters
Niggling heart
Only one way to find
So many ways to part
Good bye I say
To life and death
Both are beautiful
Both are threats
How to end
I don't know
when to stop
when to go
Enough said
Enough done
Devoid of everything
i present my jumbled sentiments

Friday, June 3, 2011

Notions of an unemployed heart

Conflicted emotions surround my heart
My brain stops to think
My eyes sore red wondering all night
Did not sleep a wink
I want this; I want all of that,
The world of truth and lies,
Oh calm is not near me anymore,
The heart of mine like a baby cries
No sorrowful moans, nor tears of joy
It’s the lament of the confused
The worry of the path ahead
And sorrow for the life already used
The path so unclear, dull and lonely
Scares me to the core
I love him, I love him not
Oh yeah I am, I am a heart whore
For Two seconds I think of what I just said
And then smile to me aloud
Then the memory of each passing day
Does my memory cloud!
I scribble, I dabble, I scream, I babble
Life is just so wasted on nothing
They days goes by, the night comes out shy
Should I just start to sing?
Yeah I didn’t get a rhyming word
I know how you all think
I could have used a more suitable word
Instead of using sing for nothing
I look around; trust me not a sound,
Just tick tock of the clock
The moving fan looks down on me
Then laughs and then mock
I know I can do a lot
It’s the time to win the war
Then I laze and sleep and think aloud
But doomsday ain’t that far.
So why work and waste your time
When sleep is at your beck and call
Judge me all if you want to
In your court oh world is the ball!!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

You and Me,NO future, Just History





In the oblivion which is your past life
I will fade away like old white
The skies will be blue,
The sun will still shine,
All will be d same
Except you won’t be mine
The cloudless skies will cry
The mourning widow will smile
When you will look back
And think for me a while
The eyes will be old,
The wrinkles added,
A few years down the line,
My memory faded
The beach walks,
The candles burnt
The nights in each other’s arms
Every second spent
The hurried kisses,
The tight embraces,
Stolen in the light
Hiding amongst the faces.
Everything wiped out
Will seem a dream
The darkness of the thought
Makes me scream
The rules don’t keep us together
To break them is not a choice
Lost in all this chaos,
I think I just lost my voice
With a life together not an option
I let it all go
May I be forgotten
If you want to
So Live me while you can
And let me live you
Till life leaves me
And love leaves you

Monday, January 31, 2011

Silent Fading



What the hell I wonder, the nail paint from my freshly manicured nails is already chipping off, darn that manicurist, she sure the hell didn’t know what she was doing. The bloody dark black bitch. After all it was worth a lot. I just don’t get a manicure every day you know. Yeah I am cynical, over bored and frustrated with life. Taking out faults with people, bitching about any random person to an invisible audience is what I am best at now days.

I am easily influenced as any one paying even a bit of attention to me makes me feel loved, wanted and everything that’s missing in my life. I use the F-work or hell I use the work fuck a lot and honestly don’t care the fuck about it. Well I am fat, no, not fat, fat are those pregnant ladies, I am a bit obese, not pretty anymore with those crow’s feet forming at my eyes and definitely not a sight for sore eyes, and you know what I really don’t care about that. I don’t care about those who don’t care about me. Hell I think I myself don’t care about me. I am not sixteen anymore and neither have that sexy-to-die-for-waist to fill up those fuckers’ imagination. I am just an old forty year old virgin. I know you must be thinking it’s the title of that stupid movie which finally had a happy ending, but trust me I know my life is no movie, I ain’t getting any oh-so-charming or even just any man to love me for not how I look or behave but for the inner beauty of mine. Ah! I don’t even think it exists anymore. With time everything wears off. Just about everything. Life I tell you.

It’s no bed of roses and for a woman who won’t sleep without any wooing with the male population she meets, well for her it surely isn’t. I don’t care now if I look good or not, I really don’t care if those pan stricken teeth are not leered at me anymore. I really don’t care if there is no groping of my assets in the crowded stations. Life somehow feels easy, you don’t expect anything from anyone and neither does anyone expect anything from you. Suits me just fine.

I know it won’t make a difference if I just disappear, it really won’t. It won’t hurt anyone if I go missing or die, just like the blood trickling down my wrist doesn’t hurt me. It doesn’t make much of a difference. I do feel a bit woozy but so what, just feels like the wine has gone to my head. My vision’s blurring, but it’s not like anyone will cry when I am gone. Ah! Fuck it; I am done living for no one so it’s better to just die for myself.

Silent Fading



What the hell I wonder, the nail paint from my freshly manicured nails is already chipping off, darn that manicurist, she sure the hell didn’t know what she was doing. The bloody dark black bitch. After all it was worth a lot. I just don’t get a manicure every day you know. Yeah I am cynical, over bored and frustrated with life. Taking out faults with people, bitching about any random person to an invisible audience is what I am best at now days.

I am easily influenced as any one paying even a bit of attention to me makes me feel loved, wanted and everything that’s missing in my life. I use the F-work or hell I use the work fuck a lot and honestly don’t care the fuck about it. Well I am fat, no, not fat, fat are those pregnant ladies, I am a bit obese, not pretty anymore with those crow’s feet forming at my eyes and definitely not a sight for sore eyes, and you know what I really don’t care about that. I don’t care about those who don’t care about me. Hell I think I myself don’t care about me. I am not sixteen anymore and neither have that sexy-to-die-for-waist to fill up those fuckers’ imagination. I am just an old forty year old virgin. I know you must be thinking it’s the title of that stupid movie which finally had a happy ending, but trust me I know my life is no movie, I ain’t getting any oh-so-charming or even just any man to love me for not how I look or behave but for the inner beauty of mine. Ah! I don’t even think it exists anymore. With time everything wears off. Just about everything. Life I tell you.

It’s no bed of roses and for a woman who won’t sleep without any wooing with the male population she meets, well for her it surely isn’t. I don’t care now if I look good or not, I really don’t care if those pan stricken teeth are not leered at me anymore. I really don’t care if there is no groping of my assets in the crowded stations. Life somehow feels easy, you don’t expect anything from anyone and neither does anyone expect anything from you. Suits me just fine.

I know it won’t make a different if I just disappear, it really won’t. It won’t hurt anyone if I go missing or die, just like the blood trickling down my wrist doesn’t hurt me. It doesn’t make much of a difference. I do feel a bit woozy but so what, just feels like the wine has gone to my head. My vision’s blurring, but it’s not like anyone will cry when I am gone. Ah! Fuck it; I am done living for no one so it’s better to just die for myself.