FOR YOU

(Dedicated to a very dear friend who lost her mother at a very tender age. Am sorry I hurt you )


I emptied my heart in the night, the pillow was all wet and my eyes swollen, but my heart was full again in the morning, the heart wanted to vent out again, to lament, to cry out loud, proclaiming my love for you, announcing to the world that it was unfair to me, unfair of the world to take away something so beautiful from me. I somehow thought that if I shouted, the gods will hear me and send her back, send her soft hands, her beautiful curls and the most important her enveloping hugs back.
My harrowing sobs turned into sniffles, and I paused to breathe, I knew she was gone, long gone, and all I had was the empty vast feeling which gnawed at my heart. Oh how I wanted to feel her, and just wanted to smell her. Just wanted to tell her that I still remember your sweet scent ma. It reminds me of home no matter wherever I am. I just don’t want to forget it ever. It’s all I have left of you.
But why me, why me out of all people? I know am not the best person in the world, but am not the worst, am I? So why did you leave me, all alone in this world, am not even the grown up yet to fight the world and even if I were the grown up, I wanted your lap to be the kid for a while each day. How can you take away those childish moments away from me? Who gave you the right to do that to me?
I want to fight with you, complain till you agree to come back, I want to pull you, force you and just be the teenager I am and get you back no matter what. I know a lot of people suffer but I am not ready to lose you yet, I am not ready to forget that touch yet. Not that touch that comforted me in the nights, not that touch that held me when I was sick and not that touch that was so familiar that I would know it anywhere. Why does it feel lost? Why do my hands feel so empty? Why do I now stretch my hands in the darkness and nobody holds them, no body consoles me when I cry, no body shares my jokes the way you did ma.
No body.
My eyes welled up again, my throat constricted and those lamenting noises were back, I started to look around, for any reminder of you ran into your room, and looked for anything familiar, a fingerprint, a bangle, something you had cooked, your shoes, anything that will make me feel that you were still there and this all was just a dream, something that will convince me that I am just playing around and you are going to hear me and come running to console me.
Emptying my heart I slept, praying that the dream would end, but it was full again when I woke up.